day 1
1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20,21,22,23,24

there is so much coming up that i need to loose weight for
tomorrow David is staying the night over
this weekend im going to hershey park
29th a tokio hotel concert
halloween
maybe a dir en grey concert in november,
ect,ect,ect.

i started a fast at 4 a.m this morning

day 1

1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20,21,22,23,24

i chose a good day for a fast, right now my parents are out drinking and they wont pay attention once they get home,then tomorrow my dad and mom work and tomorrow night im going to have david over and thats motivation enough not to eat food.

i also have plenty of reading supplies for my fast,and penpal letters to write back to.

http://www.falconblanco.com/health/fasting.htm

1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20,21,22,23,24

i feel like shit and gross for gaining back so much weight.time to get my life back in check again.i havent fasted in so long that this might be a bit difficult to start fasting again.but im determined to go atleast 48 hours in so i can get back into the flow of fasting,and i def havent worked out in a long ass time.and i absolutly have to loose weight by halloween cause im def not wearing the corset im getting for it if i am fat and gross.

and p.s-the new toolbar and the fact that everytime i want to go down one line to start a new sentence and it goes down like 3,is really pissing me off.

time to go workout.

so i havent posted here in forever.
because mainly im ashamed of my weight right now
also i've been extremely busy

since my last post,me and my boyfriend David have got engaged.
we are waiting a few years to get married though and taking the time to get our lifes together and our own place,ect.

tomorrow im taking a test to get my permit,im nervous about failing
and then after i plan on getting thrashed after because Rei is moving to florida on sunday for two weeks
and then if she likes it there she is staying
and that is a bit depressing.

154

fuckkkkkk,i've really let myself go.
but im getting my motivation back slowly but surely because im sick of wearing this fat suit 24/7
I've made a new set of goal weights
gw1-140
gw2-130
gw3-115
gw4-105
UGW-95

Im just trying to stay busy
i've been reading and playing gameboy to keep distracted from food.

i started fasting at 2 a.m
day 1
1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20,21,22,23,24

started 9 p.m
day 1
1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20,21,22,23,24

145
is my current weight...ew

first 24 hours of my fast is over now for day 2

Day 2
1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20,21,22,23,24

Today my sex pot revenge shirt finally came in

i got a size large thinking that japanese sizes would run smaller
but instead the shirt is a little big on me.ugh oh well im sure it will shrink

so tomorrow my dad will be home which means not eating will be harder
but sunday he goes back to work but after sunday he is home for 2 weeks.ugh wtf
but i am going to stay with david a few days when his parents go out of town
and his band and my other friend kyle's band will be there too and i havent seen kyle in a few months
and i dont want to look like a fat ass exspecially compared to this girl in kyle's band
she is like 4'10 and looks like she weighs only 85 pounds

the last time me and kyle really hung out,i was in my 130's
i need to be back in my 130's by  july 5th which i dont think it should be problem
considering thinking of food makes me completely nauscious

my game plan is to stay up as late as possible,that way i will sleep in until like 2-3 in the afternoon
and then when i wake up,go hang out with Rei until like 6-7  or later that way i only have to be at home for a short time
and when i get home,go and take a long ass bubble bath and curl up in bed and act like im sleeping

god i need this so bad right now
i miss my collarbones
now i feel like im wearing a fat suit and it just wont go away.

i find it kinda funny i find it kinda sad
that dreams in which im dying are the best i've had

So i went to baltimore to see the ayabie concert
we got there at 1 and the doors didnt open til 6 ish
the first two hours it was rediculously hot and i got sun burned,then the last hours it was a downpouring thunderstorm
my hair got fucked up and so did my make up
but despite that and the obnoxious people it was a blast.
the next day i went home and just chilled out
and the day after that
me,Davie,Rei,David,Cj,and some other guy hung out
and Rei turns into a bit of skank when drinking
and walked over and sat on my boyfriends fkn lap and was all hopping on him and shit
So i hit her upside the head and said "you need to stop being such a fkn slut"
and then walked off and had a good cry.
and i want to give a big thanks to Hyunmi who was there for me and stayed on the phone with me and listened to my drunken rants.
the next morning David was being a dick and we talked for like 30 minutes
and i havent talked to him since
I was mainly  upset because Rei is so skinny and pretty and all that went through my mind was
"i bet he is enjoying have such a tiny and pretty person near him instead of my fat and ugly self"

This morning at 2 a.m my parents left for vegas.
i have been fasting since 9
and dont have to eat until they get home,like sunday night or monday morning.

now my sister is randomly trying to be sweet to me
all because she knows my dad gave me money for while they are gone.
i just really feel used by everyone lately besides Davie.

my intake for today is 2 diet pepsi's

day 1
1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20,21,22,23,24

and my current weight is like 148
from so much emotional eating
i am finally not going to be bugged to eat and will finally be able to get under the 140's without temptation
and all i really want to do right now,is just get shit faced drunk

6 days til concert.
time to fast.
i have a pretty bad hang over right now
so im going to try and atleast get some excersize in

day 1 started at noon
1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20,21,22,23,24

to do
[ ]Ban Sin Yohk
[ ]mile on the tredmill
[ ]clean room
[ ]finish art

you hollow out my hungry eyes
-"make damn sure" by tbs

im so disgusted with myself to the point where i cancelled all my plans
tonight im just going to work out nonstop
and ofcourse there will be no food for a good while.

day 1 started at 3 p.m on he 6th
1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20,21,22,23,24

to do
[ ]Ban Sin Yohk
[ ]Yoga
[ ] meditation
[ ]crunches-10,20,30,40,50,60,70,80,90,100
[ ]push ups-10,20,30,40,50
[ ]leg lifts-10,20,30,40,50,60,70,80,90,100
[ ]right leg lifts-10,20,30,40,50
[ ]left leg lifts-10,20,30,40,50
[ ]clean room
[ ]finish "be with you"

Im at 145 right now

day 1
1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20,21,22,23,24

ugh.got back from vacation and gained back so much weight that i was all the way back to 152.
i've been fasting though and now im at 148.5
yesterday i did Ban Sin Yohk and it worked REALLY well.
and after i work out today i plan to do it again.
my dad and mom just got back from the grocery store and my dad just told me
"We are going to have a huge dinner tonight,steak,corn,hawaiian rolls,ect."
ughhh wtf -_-

Im just going to keep some paper towels in my room and a trash bag.
i need to fast for this weekend.
tomorrow im staying over at davids house while his parents are out of town
and he got some smirnoff and sparks.
im pretty pumped,except i think David is planning on us having sex -_-(sorry if thats t.m.i)
and im way to self conscious to do anything.and he knows i am,but he just keeps saying
"you have a hot body" blah blah blah
yeah right,aparently he thinks fat people are hot -_-;

i need to loose weight more then ever for the ayabie concert D:

edit
i just weighed my self again and im at 146.5
hopefully the weight continues to come off
but the hunger pains are starting to kick in.

edit 2
when my parents brought me back my dinner i did what i have planned and threw it in the thrashbag in my room
i chewed on a few pieces of steak and it seemed to fool my stomach into feeling full.

to do list
[ ]clean room
[ ]study for HSA's
[ ]write back penpals
[ ]yoga
[ ]crunches-10,20,30,40,50,60,70,80,90,100
[x]push ups-10,20,30,40,50
[ ]leglifts-10,20,30,40,50,60,70,80,90,100
[x]right side leg lifts-10,20,30,40,50,60
[x]eft side leg lifts-10,20,30,40,50,60
[x]Ban Sin Yohk

146.5

ugh today im so out of it,
i dont know if im tired or sick,or just a mixture of both.
i've been so stressed the past few days.
my family is driving me insane and my friends arent helping much either,or my boyfriend
-_-;
i just want to stay curled up in my bed all day
but i cant because there is way to much to do.

i need to study so damn much for my english and government HSA's.
i need to finish up an art project and start another one,
i need to clean my room,write back penpals,study for my permit,
and find time for my boyfriend and friends and pay back Rei the concert ticket money.

tonight david was supposed to stay the night here,but my dad was a drunken prick last night and didnt go to work today.
i dont want to go to davids house though,cause his family is on the obnoxious side.
but david works and only cares about work now,this is going to be the only day i can see him until after i get home from VA beach on the 22nd D:

I cant wait to get out of town and in VA beach
i just want to lay on the beach and play basketball and relax.

anyways
intake
b-granola bar=100 cals
l-tuna and crackers=not sure how many calories?
s-granola bar=100 cals
d-tba

outtake
tba

so i started a fast at 6 p.m
day 1
1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20,21,22,23,24

im starting to do yoga now for part of my work out routine.
mainly to help me loosen up my muscles before i do my regular work out
also i've started to do meditation and stuff like alligning chakras
i deff need to loose weight for school next year
and lately my intake has been shit.

p.s-i randomly got like 5 new people to add me to their friends list in 1 day.wtf?
i havent had a new person add me to their friends list in months and and now 5 in one day,
strange.

Take all that you have,
And turn it into something you were missing.
Somebody threw that brick, shattered all your plans.
"sowing season(yeah)" by brand new

day 1
1.2.3.4.5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20,21,22,23,24

okay so i just finished my first 24 hours of fasting.
now im going for
day 2
1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20,21,22,23,24

i have no school tomorrow and will probly sleep and be busy with school work most of the day
thank god for being so rediculously busy lately.

i just weighed in at 143.5
almost in the 130's :D
im pumped

me going back to public school is in 3 1/2 months
i want to be a new person my senior year.
and i have concerts to go to this summer and lots of people to meet.
i cant let my weight hold me back

edit
weighed myself again and now im at 142.5
hopefully when i wake up my weight will we at 140 or finally in the 130's
even if its just a loss of water weight i dont mind
i also have alot to keep me busy tomorrow and if people try and give me food
i have a paper towels to stash the food and a trashbag to also put it in
This fast i wanna try for atleast 96 hours.
i've read that you dont start actually burning your actual fat until the third day of the fast,
so hopefully atleast 4 days of a fast will leave results the ultimate goal for amount of hours fasted is 144 a.k.a 6 days,
i've never mad it past three days with a fast D: but i need to break that streak of short fasts

ughhh the past 2 weeks it seems like i've eaten so much.
i feel disgusting.
i gained back and now im at 146.5,which is ok because i thought i gained back up to150 but luckily i didnt.

Im going to an Ayabie concert on June 15th with Rei and Char and Lee
and we are meeting up with Kai,Kane,maybe Shinji too.
so i really need to loose this weight.
today i broke down and just bawled my eyes out
I have this picture in my mind of who i want to be
and it seems so far.

Tonight i started fasting at 7 p.m (april 13th)
day 1
1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20,21,22,23,24

Tomorrow im going to be home alone so im good on not eating and i have more than half a pack of cigs left.
tuesday i have class from 8:30 a.m until probly10 and then 10:30 im getting my hair trimmed and my dad is probly going to try and get me to eat
but im just going to lie and say im feeling nascious or have a headache.
wednesday  im probly hanging out with Rei when she gets out from school,and hopefully i think my dad works that day so i'll be able to smoke and kill cravings.

I desperately need to see on the scale 139
just to be below these 140's ugh they make me sick.
 and now some well needed thinspo



































































I cant wait til i get to order my clothes from SexPot ReVeNGe and for them to fit loosely like all the skinny models.
thats it for today
take care,stay strong.
<3

so easter went ok.i got away with only eating 4 cheetos
then me and my cousin stashed our food.
my grandma and me havent been close lately but yesterday me and her had a long talk
it was nice.

a few days ago i went to the store and spent like $100's on beauty supplies.
since i've lost weight on my sides i have some light strechmark D:
so instead of letting it posibly get any worse i got lotion for it.
and then i got SmartBurn diet pills
today is my first day taking then but i hope they help.
i was scared today that i would end up throwing the pill back up because im suffering from a hangover -_-
last night me,kt,davie,pj went to this 40year old lady,Rosa's house.
she doesnt speak very good english and has a thick accent
but i tried my best to listen and understand her because she was extremely sad.
she has 3 kids and was very motherly
she wouldnt let us leave her house while we were drunk
she kept offering to make us food and made a place in her living room for all of us to sleep.
it was fun
and she offered that anytime we felt like partying
to not go anywhere else except our house and said even if we have no money she will buy it for us
and we can crash at her house. because she was raped twice and doesnt want that to ever happen to us.
she was a really nice person.

back to topic though
if you want info on smart burn the website is here
http://www.smart-burn.com/resources/index.shtml

thats it for now.
take care,stay strong,think thin.

so lately i've been having trouble getting motivated just with life in general.
this morning i woke up and first thing i did was buy 2 tickets to see Tokio Hotel in DC in May :O
im so fkn pumped eee.
they might be doing a meet and greet and plus just in general i dont want to be in a crowded place
and be as fat as i am.
so im trying my hardest,this morning i fucked up and ate a twix,but i can work that off.
tomorrow my dad works so i can smoke all day and kill off the hunger.

also today me and my mom went to the car dealership to get her oil changed
and we looked around at used cars for me.and i found a really cute used black cobalt.:D
we test drived it and it was perfect.so next monday im going to have my dad take me to get my permit.
and then me and him are going to look at cars.hopefully they still have the cobalt.its absolutly perfect.

and then me and my mom went to this animal shelter place.
and im probly going to be volunteering there.
i got along with everyone really well who worked there
and omg there was this HUGEEE orange cat.he rolled over and i had to help him roll back over xDDD

so life is going good and i feel motivated.
everytime that i've been thinking about eating i have been saying to myself
"tokio hotel tokio hotel tokio hotel :O"
and it works.

and shit next month im having a tattoo party and i wanted a tattoo on my side but not if imthis huge :[
ugh fuck you food -_-

what a shitty day.
my boyfriend walked out and left my house with out even saying goodbye
tryed calling my two "best friends" and they were too busy for me.
fuck that and fuck them.

my weight is 145
and im pissed off
meaning im too angry to eat.
i think 2 1/2-4 days without eating and i should be below 140
i dont care if its just because of loss of water weight
i just want to get down there.

ugh and what pisses me off the most.
is that kt wouldnt talk to me while she was hanging out with pj
exspecially after the party i just fkn had and spent $50's on alky for everyone to drink.
fuck that bitch.
because of her i went from $470 on my birthday to $180 now.
dumb cunt.

ugh oh yeah and i forget to mention.
my dad doesnt talk to me anymore and basically hates me.
i want to live with my uncle so fkn bad.-_-

so basically i have no friends i can rely on,my family treats me like shit,and my boyfriend was the only person i thought i could trust.
and he just walked out on me.
im back to living my life on my own basically.
and thats okay.because without family,friends,and my boyfriend.
i can starve for as long as i want.

i started fasting at 9 p.m
day 1
1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20,21,22,23,24

[edit]
just weighed in at 143.5
my dad is out for the day and night drinking.and probly wont be home until after my 24 hours are done.
my mom has work until like 5ish and wont be home til 6-7 and after she will probly  drink.
i still have more then half of my smirnoff vanilla from my party.and whenever i drink i never want to eat.
so maybe i'll take a shot of it or mix a little in with a drink.we still have orange juice in my fridge from my party.

i have a feeling that until david confronts me about him walking out that i'll be drinking alot.